Jimmy

Your name
etched in stone
with a sort of permanence
my mind can’t comprehend.
Your body
no longer an entity on this earth
yet I can still feel you
as if my arms are wrapped around you
and I am leaning into your chest
as I’ve always done.
I can’t tell if the heart I hear beating is that of my own
or if it’s the echoes of the one I deeply crave
in this permanent state of longing.
This…
Reality…
Is not real to me.
You are not gone
because in my mind I committed to decades filled with your laughter.
I didn’t catalog it in my memory all those times it filled the room
because those rooms were always meant to be occupied by us.
We never bought into goodbyes
because why would we ever acknowledge the end
to something so beautiful?
You are so beautiful.
Which makes this end so impossible to accept.
My heart screams in its sleep
for the man who gave me everything
and took it all away with his last breath.
The honest truth is:
I died with you that day.
But in the light that is your love,
I was revived.
You showed me the way
as you’ve done so many times before;
you opened the door
to a world I once again feared.
As I stepped through with your guidance
my path became clear.
I was lost but now I see
with certainty
I never strayed too far
from where you always wanted me to grow.
The earth quickly resumed its radiance
and allowed me to discover my own.
I found everything I was meant to become
all because you believed in me first.
The momentum of your loss has carried me forward
in every encounter.
Every connection.
Every conversation.
Every smile is an extension of yours.
Though yours is the face I wish I was staring back into
I see you in every living being
which is why it doesn’t feel like you’re gone.
As I move through this life
I know I will find you
beneath the shades of trees
and in the whispers of wind
and the turn of the spring
when new life thrives and begins
to bring back the vividness
I remember life being
when you were still walking amongst us.
This life
will get easier.
I will remember how to breathe.
The silence of the rooms you once filled won’t be so deafening.
This will definitely be
the hardest thing I have ever done
but nothing was easy with you
which made everything worth it.
You are worth this
continued pursuit of brighter days
deeper love and richer experiences.
You gave me the world
and I promise to share that world with others
wrapped in the same gentle kindness
that overwhelms me
every time I hear
Your name.